


And I Hope to God It Won't Break My Heart

by smaragdbird



Category: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 02:15:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6546394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they were teenagers Nathaniel and Fergus were quite a bit in love with each other. then they were caught and while Bryce was okay with it, Rendon sent Nathaniel to the Free Marches.<br/>Then the Blight and Rendon's treachery happens, Nathaniel returns, becomes a Grey Warden and eventually starts a relationship with Anders<br/>After he saves Fergus' life and brings him to Vigil's Keep until he's healthy again and they rekindle their friendship but not their relationship. While they're both wish it had ended differently Fergus still isn't completely over the death of his wife and son and Nathaniel is happy with Anders.<br/>Anders on the other hand can't help but feeling jealous and somewhat insecure, fearing he will lose Nathaniel to his first love</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I Hope to God It Won't Break My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this ](http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/10371.html?thread=40906115#t40906115) prompt

Nathaniel paced in front of the room they had brought Fergus into. Anders was with him at the moment and having already sent a raven to Denerim to tell Elissa about what had happened, he was at loss what else to do. Ander’s cat was prowling around his legs as if attempting to comfort or to distract him.

Finally the door was opened and Anders came out. “He’ll be fine”, he said when he saw Nathaniel’s face. “It’ll take some time but he’ll be fine.”

Nathaniel let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. “Thank the Maker.”

“I gave him a draught to let him sleep but you could go and see him tomorrow if you want.”

As soon as he said it the expression on Nathaniel’s face became anxious again. “I...better not.”

“You have time to think about it. Now get me something to eat. I’m starving.” Anders picked up Ser Pounce. “What do you think, Ser Pounce?”

The cat meowed as if agreeing completely.

“Shouldn’t he have learned to catch his own food by now?” Nathaniel asked.

Anders scratched Ser Pounce behind the ears. “Don’t listen to him, Ser Pounce. He’s had a hard day. You’re perfect just like you are.”

Behind him Nathaniel let out a defeated sigh but followed him to the kitchens with one last look at Fergus’ door.

/

Nathaniel didn’t visit Fergus the next day or even the day after that. It took him three days before he found the courage to knock on his door.

“Come in”, Fergus called when he finally did. It was clear that Fergus hadn’t expected to see Nathaniel from his face when Nathaniel came into the room.

“Teyrn Cousland”, Nathaniel said stiffly without looking at Fergus. “I have a message from her majesty the queen. She wrote she’d be here in a week’s time.”

“You saved my life”, Fergus said suddenly.

“I could hardly let you die, could I?” Nathaniel kept to the wall next to the door as if he wanted to run at a moment’s notice. He took a deep breath. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about your family.”

Fergus nodded. “Yours as well. Thomas was a good man.”

Nathaniel gave him a surprised look. 

“Nate – “Fergus tilted his head towards the chair next to his bed. 

Nathaniel moved reluctantly, like a wary animal afraid to be hit. He sat down but didn’t look at Fergus. Instead his eyes swept through the room as if he felt caged and was searching for an escape.

Fergus put a finger under his chin and tilted Nathaniel’s face up until their eyes met. If he looked closely he could still see the boy he had fallen in love with once upon a time. All softness and youth had been removed by those nine long years but the curve of his lips, the shape of his nose, all those were the same. “It’s good to see you.”

“You, too”, Nathaniel said roughly.

“Hey, do you want – “Anders walked into the room and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Nathaniel sitting at Fergus’ bedside. “Anything?” he finished.

“No, thank you, “Fergus gave him a grateful smile. “I shall go to sleep soon.”

“Of course. Hey, Nate, you’re coming down for dinner?” Anders asked sounding just a little forced.

“In a moment.”

Anders was obviously reluctant to leave but when Nathaniel looked at him he did.

“You should come back tomorrow”, Fergus said.

“If you want.”

“I do. I’m not allowed to leave the bed until the end of the week and I haven’t seen you in eight years. You probably have a story or two to keep me from being bored to tears.”

Nathaniel gave him a quick smile. “One or two”, he repeated.

/

Anders waited with his questions until he and Nathaniel had retired for the night. He opened the window slightly so Ser Pounce could come back in once he was finished with his nightly exploration of the castle grounds as he asked, “So you and Fergus – “

“We were caught and my father sent me to the Free Marches”, Nathaniel told him before Anders could even finish his question. An ironic smile played around his lips. “So of course I went back to my old ways once I came back.”

Anders hesitated. On the one hand he wanted to ask more questions about Fergus, or more specifically, whether Nathaniel still liked him or not. But on the other hand Nathaniel was looking at him as if he wanted to throw Anders down on the bed and ravish him. Something Anders was not opposed to in any way, shape or form. The latter one won as soon as Nathaniel slid his calloused hand over Anders’ throat to rest it in the nape of Anders’ neck.

/

Elissa arrived early in the morning the next day, looking like she had spent the last four on horseback. “How is he?” She asked Anders before she had even properly dismounted.

“He’ll be fine”, Anders assured her. “He won’t leave the bed anytime soon but he’ll be fine.

Her shoulders sagged with relief. “Thank the Maker.”

“Or the healer”, Anders quipped.

Elissa gave him a look that was a mix between a glare and fondness. “Or the healer”, she echoed.

“Although mostly you should thank Nathaniel. He was the one who saved him after all.”

She gave him a surprised look but didn’t say anything about it. Anders was dying of curiosity to know more about Nathaniel and Fergus’ past but right now was not the time and place to ask. Instead he led her to Fergus’ room, who was in bed as advised and reading a book.

“Hey”, Fergus said and gave her a broad smile. “You didn’t have to come here.”

Elissa crossed the room and hit him lightly on the shoulder. “You need to stop scaring me like this!”

“Sorry”, Fergus laughed and pulled her into his arms. “Sorry.”

“I’ll leave you to it if you stop undoing my hard work”, Anders said from the door.

“Sorry”, Elissa replied. “I promise not to hit you while you can’t hit me back.”

“That’s the spirit”, Anders said before closing the door.

/

Fergus’ heal improved enough the following days that Anders allowed him to leave the bed. He wasn’t good enough to travel so he’d have to stay for the foreseeable future. Elissa had written to Denerim to see how long Alistair could spare her.

His answering letter arrived the first morning that Fergus joined them in the dinner hall for dinner.

Anders tried to sit with Fergus and Nathaniel but they talked about people Anders had never heard about or only knew from hear-say. It was too frustrating to be reminded that Anders knew nothing about Nathaniel’s life compared to Fergus.

“Another letter from your king to moon over?” Fergus teased her when Elissa appeared late for dinner. 

Elissa rolled her eyes. “You have no ground here, Fergus. I’ve delivered more love letters from you to Nathaniel and back than I’ve killed darkspawn.”

“We can’t all hop from bed to bed of every knight, servant and nobleman until actually marrying a king”, Fergus said.

“You’re just jealous”, Elissa grinned. “And just so you know it I’d have married Alistair regardless of what happened at the Landsmeet.” Her expression became softer and Fergus gave a nudge in the ribs to bring her back. “I know. Our parents would be proud of you.”

/

“Why are you awake?” Anders muttered into his pillow. He opened one eye and saw that Nathaniel was already mostly dressed, which was a shame.

“I’m training Fergus to help him get back on his feet”, Nathaniel said as he pulled his boot on. Anders felt the warm content he had experienced so far leave like a fade dream. Nathaniel grabbed his other boot, frowned, then reached into it and pulled out Ser Pounce who he dumped unceremoniously on the bed.

“Why is your cat always in my boots?” He asked, exasperated.

“We’re conspiring to make you stay in bed”, Anders said with a grin he didn’t really feel.

“We can’t all be lazy, mage”, Nathaniel replied teasingly.

“Hey, you try and teach people how to make things go up in flames all day and then we’ll see how early you’ll be up.”

“Earlier than you”, Nathaniel said with all the conviction of a man who was an early riser by nature. He leaned over the bed and kissed Anders. “I’ll see you tonight. Try not to burn the castle down.”

“Have a bit more faith in me”, Anders pouted.

“I’m always having faith in you”, Nathaniel replied and kissed him again.

/

Anders liked to climb up on the battlements and stare at the surrounding landscape with the mountains in the north, the firth to the east and the road winding down to meet the Pilgrim’s Path in the south. There had been no possibility to look outside the windows in the tower and during his first six escapes he hadn’t had the time to leisurely look at his surroundings.

“Is that what you call fighting?” He could hear Nathaniel’s laughing voice from the courtyard. He and Fergus were training together and they seemed to have fun. It was almost as if Nathaniel was a different man around Fergus, younger and much quicker to laugh where Anders still only received an eye roll for his trouble to make him crack a smile. It only served to remind him that compared to Fergus Anders knew next to nothing about Nathaniel. He didn’t stand a single chance.

/

Anders always found it heartwarming to see Ser Pounce and Nathaniel together. Usually they only seemed to tolerate each other but today he found Ser Pounce on Nathaniel’s lap, being petted.

“In or out, Anders. It’s cold and you’re letting it in”, Nathaniel said without taking his eyes off his book. Anders closed the door and walked towards the bed.

“Must be a good book if you even tolerate Ser Pounce.”

“He doesn’t talk”, Nathaniel said pointedly.

“Ouch”, Anders grinned, already thinking ahead. While Nathaniel went back to his book, Anders loosened the various straps and buckles of his robes and shimmied out of them. Once he was naked he walked up to Nathaniel and pushed his book down. “Is your book better than this?” He asked with an exaggerated eyebrow waggle.

Nathaniel rolled his eyes and sighed but he did put his book on the nightstand and transferred Ser Pounce onto the floor before pulling Anders on top of him. “Do you even have to ask?”

“It’s nice to hear every now and then how much you appreciate me.”

“You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen and I love you.” It was the way Nathaniel said those words, sincerely without a hint of mockery or deadpan that got to Anders every single time.

/

“It must be a good book”, Sigrun said, eyeing it with interest. Good enough in any case that he had brought it down to breakfast to read it.

“I forgot how much I liked it. I last read it before my father sent me to the Marches. Fergus liked it as well so I gave it to him before I left.”

Anders felt his good mood plummet at the mention of Fergus’ name.

“How long did your relationship last?” Sigrun asked.

“Nearly six years, although most wouldn’t count the first two. I wasn’t being fostered at Highever yet and we were nothing but two boys, fooling around.”

“If your father hadn’t sent you away, would you have married him?” Sigrun wanted to know.

Nathaniel shrugged, blushing slightly, so Elissa answered instead. “Well, my parents certainly hoped so. The Cousland and Howe lines united. Considering how much Howe tried to push Thomas onto me he had the same idea just didn’t like the execution. My father should’ve seen Howe’s Tevinter values as a warning sign”, she added bitterly.

“It’s useless to speculate what could’ve been”, Nathaniel said harshly, his cheeks still flush with embarrassment. “Maybe this is not the life I expected to lead but I’m happy.”

“Well, obviously, now that you have me”, Anders said with an almost manic grin, slinging his arm over Nathaniel’s shoulder.

The look Nathaniel gave him in return was mostly exasperation but there was still enough affection there that Anders felt validated.

/

“We’re riding to Amaranthine. Fergus wants to see Delilah again. We’ll stay the night.” Every morning Nathaniel announced that he was going to spent the day with Fergus and away from the Keep Anders’ mood darkened a bit more. “Do you want me to bring you anything?”

“I can go to Amaranthine myself if I need anything”, Anders said more sharply than he had wanted to.

“I know”, Nathaniel said calmly. “I was simply offering because it’d be more practical.”

“I guess it’s also more practical to keep the mage away from the public.”

Nathaniel pressed his lips together. “Suit yourself.”

/

“Please”, Anders slurred, rolling his eyes. “Why would you choose an apostate when you can have the Queen’s brother, the highest-ranking nobleman in the country?”

“And when has Nathaniel ever indicated that he cared about titles?” Velanna sounded disgusted with his drunkenness but she hadn’t walked away yet or murdered him so Anders took it as his cue to continue. 

“He cares about his family name more than anything. Bet he thinks once he sleeps with him it’ll all be forgiven.”

“The Commander has already forgiven him”, Velanna reminded him.

“It’s different”, Anders took another long swig from his bottle. “It wasn’t her child and wife murdered.”

“But she saw the murder of her parents, her friends, and her lover. That is hard to forgive.”

“She managed, he’ll manage and I’ll be alone again.”

“If you so bent on believing that Nathaniel will leave for you Fergus Cousland then I can do nothing to change your mind.”

“You could buy me another drink”, Anders suggested with a lopsided grin.

Velanna gave him a look so withering he would have cowered in fear had he been sober. As it was he flagged down the bartender to refill his mug.

/

Anders woke up the next morning and regretted it immediately. His head felt like an entire darkspawn horde was having a party inside it and someone had replaced his bones with lead and his muscles with cotton while he had been sleeping.

“I’d say physician heal thyself but I’m not sure you should be trusted with magic right now.”

“Could you just...quieter....please?”

Nathaniel snorted but when he said, “There’s elfroot tea on the nightstand for you”, it was barely a whisper.

Anders managed to grab the cup blindly and only spilled a little of it as he downed it before he fell back, hiding his face in the pillows. After a few moments he felt Nathaniel’s fingers card through his hair so softly that it was barely there at all. The fingers skimmed his neck and wandered down his back to the hem of his nightshirt and slipped underneath it. The lightness of the touch sent shivers down Anders’ spine.

“How do you feel?” Nathaniel asked his voice low and dark, all sorts of promises lingering inside it.

“Don’t stop”, Anders purred, leaning into the touch.

“I bought you something in Amaranthine by the way.”

Anders’ curiosity peaked despite his headache. “What is it?”

Nathaniel got up from the bed and took something from his bag. It turned out to be a bell on a leather collar.

“Ergh”, Anders said. “It’s lovely but, you know, I’m not quite the jewellery type.”

Nathaniel rolled his eyes and flicked Anders’ ear. “You could’ve fooled me.”

“Fine, I am the jewellery type. It’s just...a bell?”

“It’s not for you. It’s for your cat.”

“Ser Pounce?”

“I thought it might be easier for you if you could hear him as well as see him especially when we go back into the Deep Roads.”

Anders didn’t know why he was so surprised. Nathaniel was nothing if not pragmatic. Maybe he hadn’t expected him to include his cat.

“So no jewellery for me?” Anders asked with a mock-pout.

Nathaniel shook his head and sighed but with a small smile playing around his lips. “Next time just come with me and I’ll buy you whatever you want.”

“And they say romance is dead”, Anders laughed.

“No one says that”, Nathaniel replied. “However, Fergus does say I have a dreadful taste in the finer things in life. So I guess it’ll be safer to let you choose what you want instead of buying something you’ll hate.”

At the mention of Fergus’ name Anders felt his good mood plummet. “He’d know, wouldn’t he?”

“I gave him a clasp once. It was so ugly I still can’t believe he ever wore it.”

And with that Anders’ good mood evaporated completely.

/

“Hello”, Fergus said. Amongst all the Grey Wardens he looked out of place in civilian clothes. Even Alistair and Elissa wore Warden uniforms when visiting the Keep.

“I don’t know where Nathaniel is”, Anders lied.

“Actually I wanted to speak to you, if you don’t mind.”

Anders eyed him suspiciously. “Depends. Am I going to like what you have to say?”

Fergus smiled disarmingly. “I think so.”

“Well then be my guest.”

Fergus sat down on the bench next to him and Anders was waiting for him to speak. It took him a few moments but then Fergus said, “My wife, my son and my parents were murdered by Nathaniel’s father three years ago. And not just them. Everyone at the castle was slaughtered and my little sister had to flee out home in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on her back. I didn’t know about this until a year later. Throughout my illness and my recovery I believed them to be safe even with the Blight happening. When I finally received the news Howe and Loghain were both dead. Elissa had had grieved and had had her revenge but I hadn’t. So instead I blamed Nathaniel because there was no one else left. I told myself that he didn’t warn me because he was jealous of Oriana. When Elissa told me that Nathaniel was back in Ferelden my first question was if she had killed him. It took him saving my life to even give him the chance to explain himself.”

When Fergus ended, Anders felt deeply ashamed to have misjudged the situation as grossly as this. “I think”, he said slowly, “I think I needed to hear that.”

I’m not going to lie to you, Anders. Nathaniel and I had strong feelings for each other but even if Nathaniel wasn’t bound to you, it’d be too soon for me. We know each other from before and sometimes it’s good to have reminder of easier times but that’s all that there is.”

“He’s not bound to me”, Anders muttered, feeling slightly embarrassed. He had completely disregarded that Fergus might still mourn for his dead family. Or rather he had thought it would be more of a reason to get back together with Nathaniel.

“No?” Fergus asked with a shrewd look. “He sees that differently.” And with that he left Anders to mull over his words.

/

Nathaniel found him later that day in their room. Fergus had given him more than enough to think about and he hadn’t wanted to speak to anyone until he had.

“Hey”, Nathaniel said. He was holding Ser Pounce.

“Hey”, Anders said as well.

Nathaniel crossed the room and sat down next to him. Ser Pounce climbed onto Anders’ lap and rubbed his head against his chest until he starting stroking him.

“Fergus said you thought I was going to leave you for him.”

“Look, I made a mistake. No need to rub it in my face”, Anders said embarrassed. 

“I’m sorry”, Nathaniel said and rested his hand against Anders’ cheek. “I didn’t mean to give you that impression It’s good to spend time with him. He’s my oldest friend and yes, he’s my first love. But I’m not sixteen anymore Anders. There’s only you. And I had hoped you would...I mean...” Suddenly Nathaniel became uncharacteristically flustered. “When we talked after I gave you that bell collar for your cat you said you’d like some jewellery as well. And I told you I have horrible taste but I...” While he was speaking Nathaniel opened a pouch on his belt and held a ring in his hand.

“Oh”, Anders said. “I thought you were going to leave me.”

“Not unless you wish it.”

“Nate, I...yes, a thousand times yes.” He cupped Nathaniel’s face in his hands and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
